So You Want to be a Professional Sports League Commissioner

How pathetic is it that Gary Bettman looks pretty good right now?

Think about it: over the past week or two, the national sports world hasn’t even so much as whispered the NHL commissioner’s name, but everywhere we turn, there sit Bud Selig, Roger Goodell and David Stern.

Granted, the NHL hasn’t had a huge scandalous story unfold in the past week – the most hockey’s had to deal with since the Stanley Cup finals wrapped up was Jeremy Roenick’s retirement-only-not-so-much. But if I’m Bettman, I’m relishing in the obscurity, because ever since the lockout started, I’ve been beaten and berated and made fun of.

Bettman’s been more of a punchline than the MLS.

For the two or three that have been vacationing in Antarctica, let’s examine what makes Selig, Goodell and Stern’s lives living hell right now.

Selig is, by all accounts, still undecided about being present when Barry Bonds hits career home runs No. 755 and 756. Part of it’s probably his loyalty to close friend Hank Aaron, who just so happens to hold what many consider sports’ most prestigious record. Part of it could also be the fact that Bonds is an unsavory person (polite sports writing term for “bastard”).

But mostly it’s the accusations surrounding Bonds. Performance enhancers, a grand jury trying to indict him on perjury charges. Do I think Bonds took steroids? Most likely, but he sure as hell wasn’t the only one. In fact, how many juiced-up pitchers did Bonds hit homers off of? Baseball has been testing for steroids for about two years now, and most of the guys who’ve been caught so far have been pitchers.

And this doesn’t even count HGH, which baseball doesn’t test for.

Regardless of whether Bonds cheated to get his home runs, Selig has a responsibility – to his position as commissioner and to the game of baseball – to be there. I’m not saying you throw confetti and do a little dance as Bonds crosses home plate, but you go to the game, you watch the historic feat and you acknowledge it. Because as guilty as the players are for juicing, the owners and you, Selig, are just as culpable because you sat there and let it happen.

To not be present when Bonds hits No. 756 is hypocritical and it ranks right up there with the All-Star Game tie as the worst decision has ever made.

(In the interest of fairness ... ESPN. com just reported Selig will be in attendance for the Giants game tonight against the Braves and will try to be in attendance for future games. "Out of respect for the tradition of this game, the magnitude of the record, and the fact that all citizens in this country are innocent until proven guilty, I will attend Barry Bonds' next games to observe his potential tying and breaking of the home run record, subject to my commitments to the Hall of Fame this weekend. I will make an additional statement when the record is tied," Selig said in a statement.

So he's not such a moron after all ... at least, not in this instance. Good to know.)

Goodell has taken a hard line against problem players since taking over for Paul Tagliabue – just ask Pacman Jones, Chris Henry and Tank Johnson. But when a federal grand jury indicted Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick last week on dogfighting allegations, Goodell was put in a pickle.

Keep with the precedent already set and suspend one of the league’s most visible players, or let Vick have his due process because legally, he wasn’t the perpetual offender Jones, Henry and Johnson were?

Not a decision I’d want to make, that’s for sure.

Goodell didn’t suspend Vick, but he did tell him not to attend training camp (the first day of which just so happens to coincide with Vick’s arraignment hearing in a Richmond, Va. courthouse). That sort of thing is usually a breach of contract, but since Goodell told him to do it, Vick is not in breach of his agreement with the Falcons and he’ll still get paid.

I agree with this move; it lets Vick have his due process (I’m sure as hell not about to sit here, go through the charges and pronounce whether or not I think he’s guilty) while alleviating the media circus the Falcons would be subjected to if Vick were allowed with the team.

Think about it: if Vick were to go to camp, everything else is immediately on the backburner; new coach Bobby Petrino has to answer dogfighting questions instead of talking about the offense he’s installing. Rather than talk about trying to find another team and a fresh start, Joey Harrington has to talk about whether Vick’s troubles mean he’ll be the starter come Week One. Granted, they’ll be talking about Vick regardless, but it would be 100 times worse if the star were there.

That’s not the way to start an NFL campaign. Let Vick have his money, and let him deal with the problems he’s facing – away from the team. That way both Vick and the Atlanta Falcons can do what they need to do.

But Stern by far faces the worst scenario of the three. Whereas Selig and Goodell have to worry about one issue facing one guy, Stern could find his entire league in question. Which kinda happens when the FBI starts looking at one of your referees about gambling and possible point shaving.

Conspiracy theorists already gripe about NBA officiating, convinced refs are on the take and the on-court results are manipulated just right so the NBA can get the best postseason matchups it can. But after the revelation that Tim Donaghy resigned his post as NBA referee amid these allegations threatens to rock the foundation of Stern’s league.

Stern is serious about his league’s public image – so much so he instituted an asinine and unnecessary dress code (what is this, high school all over again?). So much so he called these allegations “the worst scenario” his league has ever faced in a press conference early Tuesday. So imagine how he feels about an official possibly making calls on the floor to affect point spreads so he could cash in on his bets and – perhaps most disturbing of all – pay his debt to the mob.

And what if Donaghy’s not the only one? If he is, then maybe the NBA can eventually get past this and we’ll all just chalk it up to one bad egg in the basket. But if a few refs are involved, or worse, players? The NBA is potentially doomed.

Selig only has to deal with Bonds and the unfortunate reality that a perceived cheater is going to own his sport’s most hallowed record. Goodell only has to deal with a star player who’s being accused of horrible, disgusting acts of animal cruelty. Stern is dealing with a situation that could crawl through the roots of the league, and leave everyone wondering for the next couple years, “Was that call legit, or is the ref on the take with someone somewhere?”

It’s a horrible situation to be in, and if I’m Stern, I’m hoping against all odds that Donaghy is the only one doing this. But if Donaghy is prepared to name names – as rumors are suggesting he might – I’m not convinced he’s alone in this.

First Joey Crawford, now Tim Donaghy. I don’t envy Stern right now. Not one bit.

Now Bettman, on the other hand …